A year!

(I think this was our last adventure together. We took Dave and Georgia to the BYU game and then went to eat at Tucanos afterwards. Even though we wasn't feeling well he made the trek and it was a wonderful day and time spent together)

This morning dawned bright and beautiful and a lot different that this morning a year ago. This morning I was running in the brisk cool morning air. Last year I was braving the cold wind and snow covered ground to make a little walk from Mom's house to David and Georgia's. I had been back and forth most of the night. Making sure the kids were tucked into bed at mom's house and making sure David was still alive at his house.

Wow, the feelings are still so tender. It was a very emotional few days. I would like to think that this year has been a healing one but sometimes it doesn't seem to be that way. Sometimes it is a feeling so overwhelming with grief and regret that it is better not to think about. I've learned a lot about David since he passed away. I've learned things I wish I had realized before. Randy put together a video of David soon after he passed and seeing pictures of him with his sweet family helped me get to know a David I feel like I didn't know. He was a wonderful father who loved his wife and children very much. (I did already know that but in pictures you could really SEE it)I also want to thank Georgia for her blog posts over this last month that have helped me realize even more about him. I knew he was a good man but he really was a GOOD MAN. Amazing actually.

I have realized this year that the hard part about being the one left behind is that you make the person who left "perfect", which makes my faults seem overwhelming. I just keep going back to the last few times we had been together over the few days before he passed. I hope he really knew how much I loved him. I need to also realize that he loved me too. That has been the hard part. I feel like some of the last things he said were done at face value to make me feel better, which was a very kind thing to do. But, I haven't allowed it to bring me comfort and I wish I could. Healing is a hard thing once they are already gone. So now that I have found the point of pain the healing can begin right??

I don't know if this was really a little theme of his or not but there is a little sound recording of him singing, "Don't Worry Be Happy" and then giving some advice about how to experience more joy you have to experience more sorrow. When I first started running, I would listen to that song on my ipod. It was just on the playlist and would come on at the same spot of my run everyday. It would always bring a smile to my face thinking of him singing it. Somedays it was good, somedays it brought to many questions that brought sadness. Why was it him that had to leave. Why was it fair to leave his wife and kids. How do they get through each day. All fair questions but we get none of the answers. I just realized, don't worry be happy. In the end it's really all we can do. I felt like he really needed me to do that. Don't worry be HAPPY. I have realized how much David smiled. He was a happy person. I admire that about him. I admire his strength in the gospel. I admire his devotion to our Savior and Heavenly Father. He did what was asked of him. In no offense to my other brothers, I remember when we heard about his cancer and the time that they gave him to live I remember thinking of all of us he would be the most prepared. He was!

So 1 year later I wish I could say I have followed more of his example, bettered myself, and been a more happy person. I guess that gives me something to do this year! Thank you Dave for your example, for being the good person you are, for being a good husband and father, for being a good big brother. 1 year later I miss you as much as I did the day you left.